I watched Ugly Betty with Helen last night. I love that programme: it's so absolutely insane but somehow still so relevant and relatable too. It makes me laugh and Helen has a massive crush on Daniel Meade and Wilhelmina is always so orange and Betty is always so fabulously quirky.

Anyway, we're about halfway through the final season now, which mkaes me sad. What will we do when it's all over? I wonder if I'll be able to convince Helen to watch The Vampire Diaries. Yum . Anyway, Betty is all stressed about wanting to be taken seriously as a writer, about wanting to make a difference and live the dream and it just really made me think: where is my ambition? I used to want things. I wanted to write and I wanted a bookshop and I wanted to be successful and now, well it's not that I don't want those things anymore it's just that they feel massively out of reach and unlikely to ever be a reality; they're the things that might have happened to me in a different life and somehow that makes me sad.

In the actual life I have I feel a little like I am going nowhere. I'm pushing 30 years old doing a desk job that I'm not totally sure I like most of the time. I feel unappreciated and stagnant and I have neither the confidence or the drive right now to do anything about it. I actually wonder if I even have the ability to even make anything of myself in this job because I hear my boss talk about potential and driving things forward and I just feel full of self doubt and I don't know where to start. I don't necessarily want a new job; I'd be happy just to find a way to make something of the job I have. I think I just want to feel like I'm not wasting time and letting life pass me by. I wish I had the gumption to just go out there and find a way to be the person I want to be.

I sit here and I write about being frustrated about the direction my life has taken and I want so badly to turn things around but I know that I won't because I am all talk and I'll still be here in 12 months doing and feeling the same and I wonder: when did this become my life? When did I lose the determination to go out there and just take what I want? Why do I feel like I'm going nowhere, fast?

I wish I was more like Betty Suarez.

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